On January 1, 2011, I decided to make a resolution to keep moving forward no matter what. So, one would say, “big deal... What is so special with that?” Well, being who I am, believer in the power of words and even more so, the power of word repetition, and having strong convictions of commitment towards what I do or say, this resolution was just not one of those pumped up sayings with no wind behind it. As in the famous words of Horton, “I said what I meant and I meant what I said. And an elephant’s word is one 100%... Well, in a nutshell that is one of the many foundations from which I am built.
Making this kind of resolution I knew could have impacts on my lifestyle and my environment. This could impact those most closest to me as well as my greatest enemies; those in the spirit, those in the soul and those physically. I could loose friendships, relationship and companionship bonds with others. I could even end up alone due to this decision.
You see, I don’t see things only in 1 dimension. I tend to look at things in many ways. Some call it looking at it 360 degrees, or eagle eye view. Either way, when I say something, I say it with conviction whether I am right, wrong or indifferent to what I say. And, if it is something that yields negative results, then I will change it. If it is something that can be modified and/or changed, then I change it. But, I only will do these things, alter the commitment, when I see fit. Otherwise, I stay on that focused “straight and narrow” until the bitter end...
Sounds strong I know. Yet, until I find another way to do that, this is the way I have done things and will continue to do things; things meaning making decisions, staying focused, etc.
Anyway, bla dee bla... The meaning of the resolution for me meant that I had to keep walking, keep growing, make decisions and stick by them, follow my desires, my dreams. Although what I just said still seems a little vague, the important thing I am trying to share now is that phrase that tends to impact us all at times... “Life is too short...”. This phrase has struck me very hard the last 2 years as I have seen people I care for and love very much becoming terminally ill, dying or coming close to it.
Funny that when one is young, they tend not to think about these things too much.... But, that is another blog to write one day.
See all this sickness, death and trauma around me started making me think about me. Why do I wait, why do I excuse myself or others; why am I afraid to move forward; what would truly happen if I did. For most of my life, I have been only concerned about others, sounds familiar I bet. I have been concerned about what bad things were happening to me; I have been distraught cause it seemed like things just were not going to get better; worried about what my friends and family would think about me as a failure; worried about what my colleagues would think of me. Basically, as you can guess, I was so focused on me that I started eating those stupid damn “can-o-worms” lol.
Ok, so life is hard. For most people it is. Even for those who hide behind problems and just smile like nothing is going on. That is their way of handling the hardness and truth in the so called “unhappiniess”. For, thanks to Barnay, to show unhappiness is taboo. Never show your vulnerabilities, fears, pains as showing them will show you are weak and not part of an elite race we all seemed to be locked into (another blog idea lol).
Yet, at the same time, I thought, “Mark, it is or doesn’t have to always be so serious. It is not important always to “Make a point””. Sometimes, as they did in the wars in history, laughter and joy can be a part of it. It helps relieve oneself in a different way. Can help one to be optimistic about the basic abstracts of life; may help keep things into perspective even when the inevitable lays before us.
Therefore, with my new years resolution, I decided to keep moving forward with the idea of letting things go, laughing, letting it fall off my back; and sometimes, just giving in and submitting (the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join em thing). Well, it wasn’t easy at first as I am a person who doesn’t and will avoid if he has to, PAIN. At any cost.
As I said, in the beginning it was a bumpy ride. But, now, it doesn’t seem so bad most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry sometimes about the impact my steps will have on others, but not to the point where I let it stop me from “doing what I gotsta do...”. Up until now, it has given me good results and learning experiences. Yet, I still get the feeling that something major will happen down this journey that will have an effect I would rather not have to deal with. Yet, I ain’t stoppin’ da train...
Why do I make a big thing out of this resolution? That is how I’m built; Do what you know and know what you do... No time to loose; life is too short; etc. In the end, all that matters to me is balance; true balance; what ever that may be. For now, true balance is in the trinity of thinking of oneself (try to figure that one out :-P). For now, my search is for peace, love and harmony working in accord; sharpening one another; precisioning each other; synergizing the other...
I don’t feel this thought has had the flow that my other blogs have had, but you gotsta start somewhere. So, if you can follow what I just said, give me a shout and tell me what you think. Then maybe I will get into more detail...
PLH
